Fighting.

I’m filled with emptiness. I’m laughing, talking, eating, sleeping, writing, but that’s all I do. I have nothing to look forward to, I feel like I’m losing my best friend and I try not to be sad about it. I try so hard, my heart cannot take it. I know I will never lose him, but I can’t have him too. He is there, but almost never here. I want to feel like I matter, like I mattered before. I want to matter to me. I want to know who I am. I want to fall asleep and dream of a better life, and never wake up.  I think I’m losing myself. 

I want to know what it feels like  to be a stronger person. 

When Dreams meet Reality.

I don’t remember his features but he was a fine-looking boy, someone who looked like he came right out of a movie, and would be incredibly out of my league. Imagine my surprise when he came with his brother, who was striking in his own way, and his father to talk to my Father.

I had nothing to say except I kept thinking about KS. I couldn’t wait to get out of the beautiful trap and tell him how this incredibly fine boy wanted me and how my parents were rooting for it. Silence made up for all the things that needed to be said. Then he walked into my dark room and in gradual speed extracted all the truth out of me. He decided to walk away at the unraveling of a ‘startling’ fact that I have someone else in mind. I begged him not to tell my Father and I don’t think he conformed. I’m not sure, but I remember being terrified at the thought of confronting my parents.

I woke up realizing how I had been lying to myself all these time telling myself that my biggest fear was mediocrity when there’s always been something else under the rug.

Kiss Me Goodnight.

Here

Whoever said there is only one side to a story said it wrong. So wrong, that nobody said it.

I Love sleeping. I Love entering into a world where life is touched-up perfect.

Where like in the movies, even if bad occurs, it is thwarted daringly.

Such are my nightly dreams.

Nightmares occur too but I Love my dreams and I Love it for the pleasant ones alone.

But lately, sleep has been eluding me.

It is the stress about Tuesday.

He leaves and I am terrified of an impending month without his presence.

At least, this time so.

As much as I wish he didn’t have to go, now I can’t wait for him to leave.

I am anxious about the goodbye hug and to get over with the overbearing emotions.

So then I can finally go to classes, write my notes, come back home.

So that I don’t have to constantly think about the frightening goodbye.

Accept that the moment is over, and SLEEP peacefully.

Alone, yet peacefully throughout this cold cold December.

Once upon a dream

HERE

Silence.

I lay next to my mother in a dark room.

I expected a pandemonium of sorts and all she gave me was silence.

I traced it back to June where we went for that trip because I had no idea how long it had been.

And she had no idea who was the father.

I wanted to tell her, I wanted her to ask.

But we lay there in dark silence, time was all we had.

Father was in the next room and he said something about me being a ‘shame’.

My words were vague but I did mention I Love him.

I fell off the cliff and had two miscarriages, this was my first success.

Mother was saying it to my aunt.

Phoney congratulations pouring in as I wasn’t married.

A tinge of embarrassment ran through my veins.

I woke up at twilight and I thought,

If dreams really mean something, what did mine mean?

Silence yet again, but a peaceful one.

Thank God for the present.