Fighting.

I’m filled with emptiness. I’m laughing, talking, eating, sleeping, writing, but that’s all I do. I have nothing to look forward to, I feel like I’m losing my best friend and I try not to be sad about it. I try so hard, my heart cannot take it. I know I will never lose him, but I can’t have him too. He is there, but almost never here. I want to feel like I matter, like I mattered before. I want to matter to me. I want to know who I am. I want to fall asleep and dream of a better life, and never wake up.  I think I’m losing myself. 

I want to know what it feels like  to be a stronger person. 

Grieve Future, Grieve.

HERE

I don’t know what a broken heart feels like. Or maybe I do but because I feel it too often, I am incapable to differentiate it from other mere feelings of sadness or hurting. But how can sadness be just ‘mere’? Whenever I’m sad I long for an overwhelming compassion and words that are beyond the amorous movies, beyond this mortal earth. Perhaps that’s what adds to the tragedy, wanting the things I can’t have. Expectation has been my biggest let-down.

I’m afraid of the very same things that I want. Because I don’t know if it is right to want them. Happiness is best if shared, they say. But how about it when there’s nobody to share it with?

Loving someone just got uglier.

Touch me.

HERE

I’ve always been an optimist, or so I hope, but this year has just been a disappointment, the impact more so when you are just too damn optimistic all the time. Sometime reality kicks into my system and everything before that feels like an illusion.

When people stop doing the things they used to do, the reaction begins. An entire period of over-analysing, self-assessment and everything possible to find out what the reasons could be. And instead of finding the answer, I’ve gotten hold of some questions.

I'm not a zealot but one would wonder if their significant other stopped being physically affectionate, wouldn’t she? I hope things go back to how it was. Till then, I'll just come in here and absorb your Love,  while I take off my lingerie and keep them aside for another expectant day.

Going Away.

HERE

I sat on the floor abruptly without noticing the scissors slip out of my slim fingers. The childish sketch of mine stuck on the card waiting to dry and the pink beads half stuck on the sides, forgotten. Two nights ago, a lot of things changed. The way I felt in that moment, I still do. It circulates like the blood in my veins, at the back of my mind.I didn’t know there were so many things more to know about him when we both moved here to this dead city, which gave us so much life in return. Not that I wasn’t happy to discover all over again. I’d never know how he smells like in the mornings, how the fish he prepares tastes just like my Mother’s, how he watches the news every day. All these things I’d never know if we were just our 16 and 17 year old self back in our little town.

Now I wake up in the morning and suddenly it hits me, everything’s going to be different. It’s like sitting on a time bomb counting the days for it to explode and I know I’m not going to die but the wound will impair me all the same. I think I should pray but I don’t. I’m sitting here trying to find the reasons why I’m so afraid when I shouldn’t be. I’m wondering how I should begin telling you about it. I’ve told him I’m getting drunk on his birthday.

Au Revoir

My Father would always buy me anything I wanted and I always wanted Barbie dolls from Mattel.

I like my eyes shielded in makeup, my lips always painted Red, and a set of enormous earrings dangling down my little ears.

I like wearing dresses and heels, but the last thing I am is Fake.

When his flight got rescheduled and almost likely to be cancelled for the next 10 days I told him I was relieved.

Very selfish, Very me.

When he finally flew against all odds I got an abrupt text message.

I coerced a smile through the morbid feeling.

Brutal honesty gets you flattered as being the best girlfriend, who knew?